TDOV
	2025 March 31
	Current Mood:	my back hurts
	Now Playing:	Satomimagae - Kata

It's almost the end of the day and for some duration of it I've been thinking how I'm transgenderly visible only online.

In real life I'm constantly scared of being clocked, still often trying to avoid The Outside in case of some sudden dysphoria spikes. I thought this constant fear was justified during my transition period in Russia (something that could be found questionable by other Russian trans folks), but now I've entered a new country with all my documents changed, so there is no need for anyone to know that I'm transgender (except doctors) — and here I am on this new level of invisibility.

I keep playing this game of stealth while constantly thinking that of course I don't pass and everyone sees me through and is just being polite to me. Yet, at this point of this game, I feel like if a stranger asks me about my transness — I will explode. I'm just still not equipped with tools to handle this conversation with random cis people.

I wouldn't want people at the refugee camp to know I'm trans. I wouldn't want people at the integration courses to know I'm trans. I wouldn't want neighbours in the apartment building to know I'm trans. Yet I want to share my trans experience with other trans folks. But is it really possible to balance this information about myself between two groups of people?

I guess being perceived as a cis woman by the society of strangers has been my goal, but I feel like at the same time it's an elaborate trap for my own cowardice, and I need to do something about it.

Lucia from 20,000 Species of Bees (2023) is so much braver than me.